Family Friday

Love Languages: Which One do You Speak?

Have you ever tried to speak to someone who didn’t know English?  Maybe you were in a foreign country or on the phone with someone working overseas?  It didn’t matter how hard you tried, how sincere your intentions were, or how loud you raised your voice, the other person just couldn’t understand what you were saying.  And, that wasn’t going to change until one of you learned another language. Being married can be a lot like that (although, hopefully not as frustrating).  Everyone experiences love in an entirely different way—sometimes so differently that it’s as if we’re married to someone from another country.  And, until you learn to speak their “love language,” you’ll forever frustrate your efforts to show him/her true love.

Step One

The first step to loving your partner is learning another language.  You don’t have to learn Spanish or Italian[1], but you do have to learn the love language spoken by your spouse.  Being sincere isn’t enough if you’re not saying or doing the things your wife or husband values most.  Some husbands buy their wives gifts to show love (because that’s what they’d appreciate) when she’d prefer quality time with him.  Then they’re twice as frustrated when they’re broke AND the wife still feels unloved.  Or, a wife may do little acts of service for her husband (again, because she’d be thrilled if he washed the dishes for her), but what he really values is a good compliment[2] or word of affirmation. Frustrating?  Absolutely.  Easy to overcome?  Yes…if you’re willing to do the work.  Next week I’ll break down all five “love languages” and give you some easy steps for trying out your new linguistic skills.  For now, I want to give you a few pointers for figuring out which language you speak. Here they are, the Five Love Languages[3]:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

What’s Your Language?

Men: before you decide that physical touch is your language, hold on.  Virtually all men like sex[4], but that doesn’t mean it’s their primary language.  If you do not enjoy physical touch at other times—in nonsexual ways—it’s probably not your love language.  The love language is what makes you feel most loved by your spouse.

Chapman suggests three questions for discovering your language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply?
   1. The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse?
   1. The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
   1. Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.^[5]

  Answer those three questions in light of the five languages defined above.  Then, ask your spouse to answer them.

Step two:

Come back next week to get practical suggestions for trying out your new skills.

Chime In

What is Your Love Language?  

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[1] Husbands: whispering a few romantic phrases in Italian or French might score you a couple points on the love-o-meter.

[2] Wives: even if your husband’s primary love language is not “Words of Affirmation,” never underestimate the power a well-placed compliment can have on a guy!

[3] These come from the bestselling book by Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, 1992)

[4] I think there are 3 who don’t.

^[5] Gary D. Chapman, The Five Love Languages, 138-39 (Chicago: Northfield Pub., 1992).

Lost that Loving Feeling?

Family Friday

Lost that Loving Feeling?

Last week we defined love as a three-sided triangle (passion, intimacy, and commitment).  We usually judge the love in our relationship by looking at only one leg of the triangle.  If the passion is gone, we assume we’ve “fallen out of love.”  But, the good news is: we still have other pieces of the triangle. Intimacy steps up to keep things warm if passion is running dry, and there’s the old-fashioned, grownup word “commitment” to help us “stick it out” when things are really rough.  But, nobody wants to live like that forever.  Marriage without passion is boring; love without intimacy is shallow.[1] So, what happens to love after the wedding?  Everybody has asked themselves that question at some point.  We start singing the Righteous Brothers’ tune “Lost that Loving Feeling” and worry that our marriage is going to end up as another statistic.[2]  Psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. Dorothy Tennov says most couples “fall out of the love obsession” after two years of marriage.  Then what?  For those committed to not being another statistic, are they doomed to a lifetime of misery and loneliness? For many that answer is yes.  They fall out of love, feel resentful and trapped, and end up hating the next 40 years of their life.  It doesn’t have to be that way though.  Marriage—every marriage—has the potential to be glorious…if you’re willing to do the hard work.  The truth is this: love is a choice much more than it is a feeling.  We all want to feel love, but few are willing to do the things required to generate the feelings.

Feelings Lie

And, this is where most marriages go wrong.  We wait (and wait and wait and wait…) for the feelings to be right before we act in a loving way to our spouse.  In reality though, our minds work the opposite: It is much easier to act your way into a feeling than to feel your way into an action.   There is no end to the ways you can act your way into a feeling; I’ll be discussing all kinds of fun things over the weeks to come.  But, it will always come down to this: Are you willing to deny yourself for the sake of your marriage? If your marriage isn’t what you’d like it to be now, I challenge YOU to be the hero of your relationship[3], lay down your demands, and embrace the selfless teachings of Jesus.  Love your husband or wife the way they need to be loved before you feel like it.  Be a catalyst for change.  You will never get what you need by denying your spouse what they need. If your marriage is already great, good for you!  Do me two favors: (1) Share your secret with us, and (2) Keep reading anyway.  Every marriage can get better!

Chime In

How have you and your spouse worked to regain that loving feeling?

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[1] And, homes without bacon are boring.

[2] Currently, 40% of first-time marriages end in divorce.  That jumps to 60% with 2^nd marriages and 75% with 3^rd time.

[3] For a great book on being the hero to save your marriage, check out: Janssen, Al. The Marriage Masterpiece: A Bold New Vision for Your Marriage. Colorado Springs: Focus, 2001.

Family Friday

The Love Triangle

When couples come to my office for marriage counseling[1], one of the phrases I hear most often is, “I just don’t love her/him anymore.” When Hannah and I endured what we now refer to as the “black hole” of our relationship, few days went by when we didn’t say those very words to each other. But, whether you asked the Black Hole Era Mesaehs or any couple sitting in my office, “What’s love supposed to look like?” the answer you’ll usually get is, “I don’t know, but this ain’t it.”[2]

What does love look like?

So, if we don’t know what love looks like, how can we know if we “have it?” One psychologist developed the “triangular model[3]” of love to help us understand that lovin’ feeling. He says love is made up of the three components:

Passion

Young love is a flame; very pretty, very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.
–Henry Ward Beecher

Passion is the raw, sensual, biological side of love. It makes our hair stand up, spine tingle, and motivates us to always have fresh breath whenever our mate is around. Passion is hot, physical, and often leads to sex[4]. Sex is God’s intended target for the passionate side of this triangle. Song of Solomon (the Bible’s manual for a passionate marriage) opens up with all passions roaring:

Song of Solomon 1:2 (NLT)
²Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.

However, passion turns immature and self-seeking if it is not linked with intimacy.

Intimacy

Intimacy is all about emotions. When you have it, home feels warm. It produces friendship, companionship, closeness, and the ability to really know someone. Couples who lack intimacy are unable to communicate, and they often feel like two strangers living in the same house. This can become a two-edged sword, because the best way to cultivate intimacy is to spend time talking, playing[5], planning, and simply “doing life” together. What’s intimacy look like in the Bible?

Genesis 2:24–25 (NLT)
²⁴ This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. ²⁵ Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Commitment

Commitment is the grown-up, thinking, willful side of love. It says, “I love you—not because of how you make me feel—but because I choose to love you.” Commitment banks on a future that’s not here yet. It’s the side of the triangle that endures a relationship’s cold seasons. In short, it’s the reason we know our mate will stay even when our breath isn’t minty fresh[6]. Jesus says it clearly:

Mark 10:9 (NLT)
⁹ let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

Sloppy Triangles

So, when a couple says they no longer “feel in love,” it’s most often because they don’t talk anymore, he’s stopped buying her flowers, she stopped brushing her teeth, or either one of them forgot what it means to pinky swear your way into a forever-obligation. The triangle hasn’t disappeared, it’s just become sloppy. The sides are uneven. We assume we’ve “fallen out of love” (quite possibly the phrase most destructive to the gift of marriage), when really we’re just judging the whole triangle by one broken leg.

• Love without passion is companionship at best, dry at worst. You can get the same thing from a golden retriever[7].


• Love without intimacy is shallow and foolish. Intimacy provides stabilizing knowledge that you can’t get any other way.


• Love without commitment is immature and “hopelessly romantic.” NBC made an entire show about it in the 90s: Friends.

All relationships go through stages where one leg is shorter than the other. Stages of life change, so our marriages adapt to carry us through. Commitment comes along to say, “I’m staying with you for better or for worse.” Intimacy provides a friend when all other friends disappear. Passion motivates us to develop intimacy and commit to a life-long partnership.

Going the Distance

What’s the key to a marriage that goes the distance? Not basing your love on a sloppy triangle. When passions run low, use that time to cultivate intimacy—get to know each other on an even deeper level. When conversations seem shallow or communication is difficult, rely on the glue of commitment to carry you through.[8]

Only then will you be able to say: “We’ve put a lot of miles on this marriage. It has been exasperating, elating, horrible, wonderful, shackling, freeing. It has been our single most intimate source of conflict and of joy. Still, it has so much to offer.”[9]

Chime In

What’s your definition of love?

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[1] Or, “relationship enhancement” for the Type A readers.

[2] Yes, I know ain’t ain’t a word, but everybody uses it. If my high school grammar teacher is reading this from heaven, I’m sorry.

[3] Robert Sternberg, “A triangular Theory of Love,” Psychological Review 93 (1986): 119-35.

[4] Which, in turn, leads to an increase in bedroom door locks once children gain the gift of mobility.

[5] Replacing intimacy with passion is most men’s goal and most women’s fear. “Why talk? Let’s just have sex.” vs. “Sex again? We need to talk first.” Yay.

[6] Which leads to that age-old battle between those who brush their teeth and those who don’t.

[7] But not a cat.

[8] Or, if you’re married, have sex then talk about it later. Win win.

[9] Quoted from: Parrot & Parrot: Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts

Unite the Clans

One of my all-time favorite movies is Braveheart. William Wallace leads his fellow Scotsmen to fight for their freedom—escaping the clutches of an evil British king. In one of the most dramatic scenes of the entire movie, Wallace pleads with Robert the Bruce to use his influence and “unite the clans!” Scattered and out of sync, the Scottish clans stand little chance at achieving their freedom. But, if they could only unite and pursue their goal together, victory would soon be within their reach.

My desire for Defiance Christian Church in 2012 is that we unite the clans! Jesus’ mission on earth is to deliver people (1) out of the clutches of an evil, demonic king and (2) into a relationship with Him, where there is true peace, joy, and contentment. In the process, he unites the two most powerful clans the world has ever seen. What am I talking about? The church and the family. How are we going to do it? By thinking Orange.

Thinking Orange

Thinking Orange is a simple theory developed by Reggie Joiner, a founding pastor of one of the fastest-growing churches in America.^[1] The concept is as old as Moses^[2]: combine a warm, relational family unit (represented by the color red) with a bright, truth-declaring church (represented by the color yellow). What do you get? An Orange explosion—something stronger than either influence would make individually.

The Red Family

This means the leaders of DCC are going to work to make every family warmer, stronger, and healthier in the year ahead. We have some cool things up our sleeves, but the coolest one of all may be the decision to hire Jim Dotson as our new Pastor of Family Life and Administration. If you haven’t met Jim yet, he’s an awesome guy with a heart for Jesus, a ton of ambition for Jesus’ church, and an unfortunate fondness for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In addition, I’ll be running a “Family Friday” article on my blog to cover topics like marriage enrichment, couple’s communication, raising great kids, falling in love, family faith, etc. We want you to finish 2012 with the warmest, reddest family^[3] you’ve ever known.

The Yellow Church

We also have plans to make our church glow brighter than it ever has. We’ll grow closer through small groups, further through community involvement, bigger through ambitious goals^[4], and wiser through a Bible Study Certificate program. These things are just a glimpse of all that your leaders have planned for our church family in 2012.

Red + Yellow = Orange.
Church + Family = a force to be reckoned with!

Unite the Clans,
-pastor bill

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[1] Reggie’s church is North point Community Church in Atlanta, GA. You can read more about Thinking Orange here.

[2] Moses’ speeches throughout the book of Deuteronomy have an orange appeal to them. Check out Deut 6.4-6, for example.

[3] This does not imply all warm families are necessarily communist or republican.

[4] Growth goals for 2012: 250 first-time visitors, 400 in regular attendance by Christmas, and 10 baptisms

4 Reasons I am Thankful for DCC

 

Thanksgiving: a time to stop and give thanks for all the good in our lives. One of the “goodest” things God ever did for my family was bringing us to Defiance Christian Church. So, this year I made a list of the top four reasons why DCC means so much to me:

1. A Legacy of Excellence

Defiance Christian Church was founded by Bible-believing, Jesus-loving people over 60 years ago. Since that time, the US has endured recessions, wars, political scandals, and countless changes in the moral fabric of our society. Through it all, the servants, deacons, elders, and ministers of DCC have faithfully declared and shared God’s love with the greater Defiance area. The congregation that now calls 955 Standley “home,” does so on the shoulders of the saints who’ve come before us.

2. I Get to Do What I Love

Confucius said: “Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Well, I can’t imagine a job I’d love more than the one the people of DCC called me to do. Teaching God’s Word and helping people develop faith in Jesus Christ is my life’s mission. Lord-willing, I’ll die in the pulpit someday. And, given the great folks who call DCC home, it’d be an honor for that to happen here (not any time soon though!).

3. Everybody’s Welcome

At Defiance Christian Church, we know we’re all sinners saved by nothing more than God’s grace. So, we keep the doors open wide for absolutely anyone who wants to ride with us on this awesome journey of God’s love. It doesn’t matter where you’ve come from, what you make or what you wear, you’ll find someone at DCC with a story similar to yours!

4. Everybody’s Loved

Once you’re a part of this family, you’ll wonder how you ever got by without them! I’ve never seen a church family so eager to “do life” together. This church rallies together in the good times and the not-so-good times. Need a meal? Need a coat? Have a coat and want to give it away? The answer to what (and Who) you’re looking for is Defiance Christian Church.

God has blessed my family tremendously through the friendships we’ve forged at DCC. I pray He does so for many years to come!

With Thanks,
-pastor bill

Heading to the Field

This weekend we go on standby for the course’s culminating field training exercise (FTX). If you’re not familiar with an FTX, I’ll briefly explain what they are and how they work.

What’s an FTX?

The goal of an FTX is for soldiers (marine, airmen, etc.) to take what they’ve learned in a classroom-type training environment out to “the field” for practical application and deeper training. “The field” is normally a wooded environment set up to simulate a combat-deployed situation. They vary as to how “hard” they are (a “hard site” is an area that has been semi-permanently established, may have buildings, poured concrete, running water, etc.). If you don’t deploy to a hard site for an FTX, then you bring your own tents and build everything you’ll need for the duration of the training. I don’t know where we’re heading for this site, but I assume it’s somewhere between completely hard and “go chop down those trees.”

Meals are mostly MREs (Meals Ready-to-Eat). This is a complete meal (2K+ calories) in a fully enclosed bag with a long shelf life. The main courses are usually pretty good and can be heated with the provided “just add water” field cooker. The rest of the items are immediately traded on the MRE black market. Tootsie Rolls and the lemon pound cake (if you’re lucky enough to get one) have high trade value.

Showers are hit or miss. The harder the site, the better your chance of showering. If not, baby wipes are your best friend.

Once there, we’ll receive missions to accomplish and then go to work carrying them out “in a military manner.” Basically, it’s every little boy’s dream of playing army—only without the fun you always assumed would be part of it. I often joke that the military has a way of taking everything that used to be fun and sucking the fun out of it (camping, shooting, exercising, even eating). OK, that’s not true. Yes it is. No it’s not. Yes it is.

Getting Ready

We got an FTX packing list before we got here and were told to be packed and ready last night. This afternoon we’ll have a “bag drag.” This is where you bring your packed bag and have your supervisors go through it all to be sure you have everything. Everywhere you go in the military, “inspect what you expect” is the law of the land. It’s a good law. As a leader, the more you care, the more you inspect.

You can usually count on someone packing an oddball item just to catch the bag inspector off guard. Hot pink underwear packed in some guy’s bag is par for the course.

After the bag drag, the waiting begins. You’re told not to leave the area and to always be reachable “within 6 rings.” At some point, the phone rings, you grab your bags, go where you’re told, and get ready for the fun (“embrace the suck” is a common term than can often be inserted here as well).

Talk to you Later

That’s all I have for now. I’ll be waiting for the phone to ring (even though they told us when it’d probably come) and fill you in more when we get back.

Why I am a Chaplain (1 of 2)

 

I’ve been asked many times (1) why I continue wearing the uniform, and (2) why I drastically changed career fields with the decision to become a chaplain. I think the best way to answer that is to explain what chaplains do. So, this is part 1 of a 2-part series attempting to do just that.

One of the main job descriptions of military chaplains is to ensure people in uniform have equal access to their rights afforded by the 1^st Amendment. My time at the Basic Chaplain Course has made clear how little most people (believers and non-believers) understand about the legally enforceable ramifications of the 1^st Amendment.

I have no intentions of engaging in an online debate regarding the free exercise of religion, so please don’t go there. But, I do want to answer another common question I get: “Doesn’t the military make you act like a universal minister, serving all faiths?”

Short answer: yes, and no. And I’m thankful for both. From the Air Force Chaplain Corps website:

“As members of a multicultural community, chaplains provide ministry to persons of their own faith group, yet also act as guardians of the free exercise of religion for all Air Force members and their families.”

Chaplains: Ministers to all Faith Groups

The buzzword is “religious accommodation,” and it’s an awesome responsibility laid on the shoulders of military chaplains. We’re here not to respect the beliefs of all people, but to respect their right to believe what they believe.

· Professionally, it goes beyond tolerance.

· Practically, it means chaplains do all they can to facilitate a military member’s practicing of his/her religious beliefs.

· Personally, it means I do everything I can to keep the military from getting in the way of someone’s religious convictions.

It will never mean I am forced to conduct a Buddhist, Islamic, or Catholic service (they wouldn’t want me to anyway; more on that in part 2), but it does mean I will use my position and privileges to get them a room, religious materials, or—if possible—the services of a respective cleric. I am not their cleric, nor do I share all of their convictions, but I can cooperate without compromising.

The words of two men motivate me to serve as a chaplain.

Jefferson

From the 1^st Amendment to the Constitution:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Contrary to the motivations of militant atheists, the Constitution does not mandate freedom from religion. It promises freedom of religion. That’s a monumental difference. The Constitution erects a wall ensuring the government will not impede a citizen’s right to pursue—or not pursue—God on their own terms. Chaplains wear uniforms to make certain that right carries over to military members.

If I limit my support to people who agree with me, I’m rejecting the 1^st Amendment and returning my country to the world it was in prior to the break with Great Britain—where believers had to believe what the state told them to believe. I don’t want that to be the world my boys inherit, so I do what I can to keep freedom alive.

Rev. Martin Niemoller says it well:

"In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up."

Jesus

More importantly, the Bible tells me ministers are servants. I’ve read it quite a few times and never found a limit on who Jesus wants me to serve. He actually says Heaven will be filled with Christ-followers from every tongue, tribe, and nation because Christians on earth shared the love of Christ without reservation.

The military allows me to rub shoulders with ethnic and religious groups most people will never see. I pray Jesus uses my time in the uniform to add more tongues, tribes and nations to His Kingdom (more on that in pt 2 as well).